Never the Favorite, Yet Carrying the Weight

Never the favorite.

The middle child, yet the breadwinner. The one who takes on all the responsibilities.

This is my story. A middle child who grew up with less, but now carries the weight of so many things on my shoulders.

If not for this blog, I honestly don’t know if I’d still be here today. Writing saved me. It kept me standing when everything else felt like it was falling apart.

I grew up feeling left out. Always last on the list, always compared, always trying to catch up. I only had my lolo and lola by my side. I was the “black sheep”, the one who took the blows, the last to choose, the hand-me-down wearer, the lowest on the priority list. So I tried to excel in academics because I wasn’t the sporty one, I thought maybe I could prove myself with grades instead.

Now that I’m in my 30s, I still feel stuck. Like I can’t move forward with my own life because everyone else leans on me. It feels like I don’t have a choice like there’s no one else they can run to. And sometimes I ask myself:

Why can’t I just let go?

Why can’t I just choose my own life?

But then guilt creeps in, and it wins. Every time. So I stay.

I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing this because I’ve found small escapes that keep me alive while carrying all this. Two things that give me a little light when the weight gets too heavy:

Hiking, My instant relief. Whenever I’m on the trail, breathing fresh air and surrounded by nature, I feel like I can finally let go of the heaviness, even if just for a while.

Writing, My longer, deeper release. Whenever I’m drowning in stress, bills, and expectations, I pour everything here. Writing lets me take all the thoughts and feelings in my head, put them into words, and slowly set them down. When I finish, I always feel a little lighter.

These two things don’t erase the weight, but they make it bearable. They remind me that I can still breathe, even when life feels like it’s pressing down on me.